HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN CARVER!!!

[MarpTarpton]

And thanks for all you do. In this thread, I invite the community to share you best JC memories and also create fanfic including all of JC's forbidden love connections.

[xsarfax]

I whipped him with whip. I´ll never forget this short forbidden love story

[Abigail_Williams]

Happy Birthday, JC! Never forget the time you took me behind the myrtles and told me not to tell...

[Forungi]

Happy birthday JC.

You will always be remembered as the developer who could, but didn't do

[NeiroShop]

You suck Marp.

Happy B'day John.

[Strakknuva225]

Create fanfic including all of JC's forbidden love connections.

How One Garden Gnome Put a Stop to the Redskin Menace

A dank and stormy night (don't quote me on this, we all know salem doesn't have weather) a greenhaired little gnome looked out the window. He knew that he'd be destined for great things. Great things. Morning came and he woke up, since he didn't live in the darkness, he wouldn't have to worry about mourningwood attacking him. He put on his finest garb, of a tuxedo, a conquistator's platemail, possibly previously owned by Francisca de la Salmonella. His gas mask, soo his swamp beard wouldn't infect those who had the fortune of running into the Not-Mischevious Gnome. And a golden tophat, remarkably similair to one worn by a certain jew.

The second he stepped out of his swamp in Bostovidence, he was attacked by a brave! And another one! Infact, there were five of them. They all ganged up on the helpless damsel (let us for the sake of my survival assume is actually pretending to be helpless). They all wielding intimidating looking long tobacco pipes, that probably acted like halberds. Possibly of high purity aswell, for maximum smoking action. They dragged him to their camp after around 2 hours of walking. Along the way the braves would take advantage of him, using their Wild Whips on him, but only once. They had signed an agreement to whip no more than once with a Wild Whip, but no mention of the Executioner's Whip was made. It was then, when Ali Buba pulled out his, and JC was mercilessly whipped, his screams of agony sounded alot like those of pleasure. Since the green haired gnome was stripped down, there'd be nothing stopping the Fertile Turkey Droppings and Cotton Seeds from gushing everywhere as he was being whipped mercilessly. Soon enough, the ovating gnome was being passed around like a slab of meat between all of the braves. They rubbed him against their clothing, upgrading the clothes from inferior difficulty rating of 25 to the much superior difficulty rating of 23! This still did not stop every single one of the Whispering Snake Skulls from breaking. But, not because the difficulty rating was a measly but still superior 23, it was because the braves had been ***** the skulls before attempting to socket them. You may ask, how they did this, well. Micro penises were the only ways of ***** snake skulls.

After the initiation ritual, the garden gnome known as John Carver would be accepted into The Tribe, given the high rank of "***** Boy" since he did soo well during his trials.

Plenty of whippings later, it was time that he would meet the Chief. He was shaking like a schoolgirl, from excitement and nervousness. The Chief was only slightly taller than JC, but JC could only reach the Chief's manboobs. They were very hairy and sweaty, a sign of someone who's done the "***** Boy" trials multiple times in his life. He slapped the innocent garden gnome with his saggy flaps. "So jauw cum 2 mi lend nd ur my bitj boi. u well bend downtown far 2 becum my thir skend hend n blue me." The garden gnome quickly replied. "But there is nothing to worship down here." The Chief laughed. "et es nut wat u warship don ther from me. et as wet u warship up der." The Chief pointed towards the horse that had been standing statically in the tent this entire time, towering over the two. "u mus akkept da horsecock up ur PooKaKa hool" The Chief explained, the horse static as ever, but suddenly a massive horse **** appeared on the model! (tbh, the massive adjective is abit pointless when talking about horse ****.) JC stared in fear. "But... I could never take such a [Knotted Wood Block] up my PooKaKa hole!" The Chief then threw a bottle to the garden gnome. "snaek oil 2 luub ub" Since JC could not reach up to the horse's **** on his own, the Chief boosted him up, but still no reach! It was then, the garden gnome made like a fireman and splashed the snakeoil onto the horse's ****.

The ultimate battle was about to begin, since JC was already naked this entire time, dressing in nothing but whipping marks (as any high ranking ***** boy should be) there was no need for him to take off his trousers and bend over. All he had to do was bend over. And like the flash, the horsecock entered, the gnome moaned of pleasure, not compromising. Sure, it was very painful, but it was more pleasurable than painful. The Chief expressed outrage that someone could take horsecock better than he could. "ay u wot m8, eye well sho u i am de best aroond". JC was cut cold turkey as the horsecock left his rectum, giving him no time to fully enjoy the experience. The Chief dropped trousers and embraced the horsecock up his PooKaKa hole. However, instead of a moan of pleasure, he let out an agonized scream. Since these are short people we're talking about, the Chief screamt like a chipmunk that had it's nuts crushed. Turns out the horse had taken JC's hip as a souvenir. If it wasn't for that hip bone on the horse's ****, the Chief would've impressed the young student with his horse **** taking skills, but alas he was killed.

And that is the tale of how the garden gnome known as JC killed the Chief. However, he was not able to walk straight after the incident.

FIN

[Icon]

For days the sky over Providence had been black as night, the idea of doing work in such conditions was virtually impossible. The entire town had gathered in the hopes of appeasing the gods to return their humble settlement back into the thriving town it had once been. The last remaining members of town trickled into the square, fear in their eyes, whispering prayers under their breath. The only light visible was from the fire constructed in the town square, it threw light upon worried faces in every direction, and created a livid puppet show of shadows upon nearby walls. Latikai approached the fire and raised his hand, causing the fearful town members to go silent. "We must reverse this evil once and for all" he began, he took a brief moment to survey the faces in the crowd. "First, the sacrament must be placed in the fire". Heffernan timidly stepped forward and placed a strip of the finest flannel into the flames, the fire engulfed the material, but seemed not to burn it. Beside him Icon approached and reached into his pocket, producing a handful of powder which he tossed into the fire with the flannel Immediately he began twitching and yelling loudly, not because of the curse, he realized he threw the wrong powder into the fire. Anyways, the fire spit flames into the sky and took on a strange greenish blue color, the smoke above which seemed to hang, collected in the air. Suddenly a figure appeared in the smoke, and a voice boomed "Dafuq, its 2:30 in the morning?" "We need light, we can not survive in these conditions!" said Reversico from the back of the crowd, "Can you help us in our time of need?" "Well" began the apparition of John Carver, "I can try to hit the reset button, hold on..." "Did that help any?" "No", replied the crowd, "Did you try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete?" "Of course I tried that!" boomed JC's image in the smoke. "Oh wait, I have to update Java, one moment" A few minutes later, the sun flickered on and off, then shone to its full potential, lighting up the glory of the skybox around the town. "Behold" JC exclaimed, " For your faith and devotion, I send you home with these" and produced a massive pile of fertile turkey poop, and some of his own, which is very good for on fields, probably because JC survives on a strict diet of Caravel ice cream cakes and gatorade.

I ran out of steam there at the end but you get the picture, Happy birthday JC!!

[Tulgarath]

Happy Birthday JC!

[matan002]

Happy birthday JC!

[Qiresea]

Happy Birthday, John !!! <3