Salem for Nerds E01 - Amazing Spermwhales!

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Salem for Nerds E01 - Amazing Spermwhales!

Postby Nye_Billson » Wed Dec 09, 2020 6:04 am

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Good evening nerds, and non-nerds who clicked on this link out of desperation for Salem content, boredom, accident, or by some combination of all three!

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I'm Nye Billson, host of Salem for Nerds, the show where we go into great and excruciating detail about questions no one is asking. The show where at best you will feel a shrug of mild entertainment and at worst ask yourself "Isn't there something, anything, better he can do with his time?" And the answer will of course be I don't want to die I want to slowly fade out of existence so the people around me won't be sad. And like its not even a show cause its mostly text, so there's that too.
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Episode Guide
Season 1
E01 - How Fast Can you Run in Salem
E02 - Pig Death of the Universe part 1
E03 - Pig Death of the Universe part 2
E04 - Salem for Nerds Proves The Earth is Round part 1
E05 - Salem for Nerds Proves The Earth is Round part 2

Season 2
E01 - Amazing Spermwhales!

How Fast Can you Run in Salem

Okay! Welcome to the show. On these weeks episode (How Fast Can you Move in Salem) we are going to at movement speed in the New World.

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The experiment is simple, we just need a stopwatch, a flat section 50 tiles long and the reflexes to quickly look away if the game suddenly goes black so you don't accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in reflection on the screen. The process is just as simple - stand at the edge of the 1st tile and time how long it takes to get to the last one.
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We first need to make the assumption that 1 tile is equal to 1 meter. Reading the tooltip for the climbing modes seems to confirm this, given that vertical tiles seem to be the same size.
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Lets go through the math for Walking. It takes 12.5 seconds to go 50 meters, but we can scale this up to a more usable distance, 1000m. 1000m/50m = 20. So if it takes 12.5 seconds to Walk 50 meters then it takes 12.5 x 20 (250 seconds) to Walk a kilometer. We can then divide an hours worth of seconds (3,600) by this time to calculate kilometers per hour (kph). 3600 / 250 = roughly 14 kph.

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For the sake of clarity I have taken the time to also convert the speeds to into the superior miles per hour. For those of you who are confused on the differences between kph and mph to put it as scientifically as possible kph is the guy who finds out his wife is cheating and bringing it up passively aggressively a week later while out having dinner with friends and mph is the guy ***** his wife. If kph is 2 penises touching accidentally during an earthquake mph is a glory hole in the men's bathroom. Becky it didn't mean anything, please return my calls. Note from editor: mph = kph x 0.6214.
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Mythbusters Theory Legally distinct TheorySmashers

"Lifting a Gardening Pot above your head is faster than walking."
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Walk speed 12.5 seconds for 50 meters or 9 mph / 14 kph
Walk with Pot 15.25 seconds for 50 meters or 7 mph/ 12 kph
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Note from Lawyer: Please ignore this gif

You can use Bullrun to move faster when you are over-encumbered.
Walk at 50% over-encumbrance 24 seconds for 50 meters or 5 mph/ 8 kph
Bullrun, including time spent Stunned, 18.25 seconds for 50 meters or 6 mph/ 10 kph
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Last edited by Nye_Billson on Sat Jan 30, 2021 1:49 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: Salem for Nerds - How Fast Can you Move in Salem

Postby Taipion » Wed Dec 09, 2020 8:17 am

Just to confirm for science...
1.) Using "run" or anything faster than walking, with an object lifted above your head, is not faster than walking with that object?
2.) Same as 1. just replacing "lift object" with hypothermia?
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Re: Salem for Nerds - How Fast Can you Move in Salem

Postby Nye_Billson » Thu Dec 10, 2020 5:19 am

I'll try to do a follow up to this episode down the line once I get enough "content" to "film" another episode. I'm hoping I can find a way to figure out each creature's speed as well.

Also fixed my typo:
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Re: Salem for Nerds - How Fast Can you Move in Salem

Postby Dallane » Thu Dec 10, 2020 8:39 pm

lol
Please click this link for a better salem forum experience

TotalyMeow wrote: Claeyt's perspective of Salem and what it's about is very different from the devs and in many cases is completely the opposite of what we believe.
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Pig Death of the Universe part 1

Postby Nye_Billson » Mon Dec 14, 2020 10:17 pm

Pig Death of the Universe part 1 of 2
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Oh hello there. I was so wrapped up in doing science that I didn't see you come in. Ha, ha, seriously tho how long were you standing there?
Authors Note: You should know that in a way masturbation and science are very alike in that sometimes you don't know what you've done until its all over and you're left with an impossible feeling of emptiness and a naked drawing of the Honey Nut Cheerio O's bee and you're too afraid to retrace your steps to see how you got here.
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Editors Note: Image removed for sanity reasons.

In this episode of Salem for Nerds we are going to look at domesticated animals and how its only a matter of time until they destroy the world.
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A quick note, to save from me having to say "domesticated animals" over and over again I will refer to them all as pigs, this is because pigs are the most common, and because of this handy acronym chart created by this episode's sponsor - Honey Nut Cheerio O's
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The concept begins like this, pigs are fairly resource intensive on the server, which of in itself is not really a big deal except when there are a large amounts of pig in a single area. Many of you have experienced a lower frame-rate in areas with a lot of pigs which is one reason why storing dead pigs in sleds is particularly useful.

With butchering and proper storing, most of the time we don't even notice this intensiveness, but we can go ahead and theorize it probably wouldn't be great for the server to just generate more pigs willy-nilly. But of course that's exactly what it does - there is a pig event which continually spawns additional pigs onto the same set of tiles each Everbloom. This means it is not only theoretically possible but possibly inevitable that more and more pigs will spawn on the same tile until loading that tile will become so demanding that it will crash the server.

For those of you unfamiliar with this event. Each Everbloom between 1 and 5 pigs are spawned on an unknown number of autumnal biome tiles. Given the nature of exploration events these tiles tend to be the same ones over and over again, rather than skipping tiles that already have pigs on them. Compounding this issue is pigs don't decay. Like a day dream about your hot coworker's penis its not going away until you get dat meat. You can do this by right-clicking a pig and selecting "Butcher" or by sending a text message and if they don't respond, loudly announcing at work the next day you got so drunk last night you that don't remember anything you did. Authors Note: I wrote this analogy when I was black out drunk so it doesn't count.
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Furthermore, the weird hit-boxes pigs have allow for their bodies to overlap, creating grotesque pig piles which are virtually impossible to butcher, so like HR telling you they save text messages sent from your company phone, things may quickly escalate past the point where there's anything that can be done.

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This whole thing might seem outlandish at first but in fact it almost already happened. Totally regular player who was never the beneficiary of dev intervention, Darworth, amassed a horde of dead pigs in his barns. When those barns were destroyed the entire sever lagged for days. A special team of raiders had to be sent in to clean up the area. Insanity from all the stillborns was so high many team members died within a day. Among historians the event is known as the Chernobyl of Salem, or Salnobyl, Chernoblem... I don't know. Editors Note: Darnobyl is the official accepted name.

Salem for Nerds reached out to one of the Survivors of the incident and loli cosplayer, Kuku.

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We also reached out to Samir, programing expert, and Honey Nut Cheerio O's aficionado, to see if there had been more pigs could the server have crashed entirely?

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Well there you have it folks. It's simply a mater of time. Make sure to tune into to the next episode of Salem for Nerds where we will try to use science and math to pinpoint exactly how much time we have left until pig death!
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Re: Salem for Nerds

Postby MarpTarpton » Fri Dec 18, 2020 12:48 am

So much truth. A+
Procne wrote: Devs have again proven that they dont give a crap about untalented and lazy players.
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Re: Salem for Nerds

Postby Ronch » Sat Dec 19, 2020 5:41 am

Okay, I had no idea.
I had almost forty pig carcasses outside one of my bases, with another ten or more of them inside of buildings, just because I am lazy like that.

Up until reading here, the only concern I had about those dead pigs in my base were the cluster of icons on the map which might draw unwanted attention to the area.
But this last episode has inspired me yesterday evening to finally go butcher those carcasses laying outside.
The carcasses inside of buildings will be butchered in the next day or two, thanks. 8-)
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Re: Salem for Nerds

Postby Nye_Billson » Sat Dec 19, 2020 8:17 am

Ronch wrote:But this last episode has inspired me yesterday evening to finally go butcher those carcasses laying outside.

Some might see the destruction of the universe as something to fear, but you prove there's power in knowledge, in fact isn't that what we call the human spirit? Our willingness to fight, even if just to delay the inevitable for a single day. Also if you need some help let me know where your base is at and I'll send someone over. Feeling some of that fiery human spirit myself.
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Pig Death of the Universe part 2

Postby Nye_Billson » Sat Dec 19, 2020 8:40 am

Pig Death of the Universe part 2 of 2

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Welcome to Salem for Nerds, the show where we make ***** jokes to distract from the crushing reality that no one will really be sad when we die. Also Science!

Before I get to the second half of The Pig Death of the Universe I would like to look over the fan mail we’ve recently received.
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This episode is pretty math heavy and if you’re anything like me, math feels a lot like checking my ex’s Facebook page - the more you look at it the more angry and confused you become. So I will try to break the math down into smaller, hopefully more digestible, parts. If only for my own sake. Also as our math is slightly simplified for entertainment and attention preserving reasons our editor will chime in from time to time to elaborate on where the math could be expanded. Feel free to ignore him like his children do now that they have moved out of the house. Editors Note: Don’t be mean.

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Here’s our formula, however in order to actually come up with a number of days we need to fill in those variables.

Tentatively we reached back out to Kuku to find out how many dead pigs were at Darnobyl.

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So if it takes 500 pigs to lag the server, let’s be safe and assume it takes double to crash it.
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The next part is starts easy to figure out, if between 1 and 5 pigs spawn each event we can assume 3 is the average. The second part tho, takes a tiny bit of sleuthing.
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So if there are 1,000 events each season, and 10 different types of events we can extrapolate that as 1000/10, or 100, is the number of pig events each Everboom. And which each season being about 7 days long, that means there's roughly 14 days between each pig event.

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This is the sticky part. Given the size alone, never mind the practicalities of mapping and counting it, this looks like the place where the equation breaks down. However with the power of science and a lack of loved ones to stop me from wasting my time, we can actually come up with an educated guess.

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Let me transfer you back in time to the 1970s for a moment, to a time when people were just starting to question the Bible’s teachings that Jesus goes into lands stripped of their resources and fills them back up with oil and healthy animals. It was at this time environmental science dragged up from the depths of Hell into our world.

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Author’s Note: Environmental science probably.

While this EnvSci is probably better known for it’s orgies and a communist-like belief that natural systems have limits, it does make use of some interesting statistical methods for counting things that would otherwise be impossible to count in full due to the size or logistics. I assume in order to shame good, God fearing, (Lawyer’s Note: and hopefully reluctant to purse libel lawsuits) companies, like General Mill’s, manufacturer of Honey Nut Cherrios. Specifically will will use a technique known as Plot Sampling.

To do this experiment we only need 2 things: the size of the New World (750 by 750 map tiles) and a small, representative section of the world (Say 50 x 50 tiles). We can then count the number Autumnal biome tiles in the more manageable, representative section, and then extrapolate that number to the entire map.

While I will supply the math we turned to pistolshrimp, wikismith and map maker who definitely has never received the response “LOL” when texting solicited or unsolicited ***** pics.

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Editor’s Note: I don’t think so.
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1,137 of the 2,500 tiles had some amount of autumnal biome on them. So since 50 is 1/15th of 750 we can scale our results by multiplying 1137 by 15 which puts our estimate of all autumnal biome tiles in Salem at 17,055.
Editor’s Note: Technically preforming this experiment multiple times across many randomly assigned representative sections would help refine this number and make it more statistically robust.

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We can finally have all the pieces so we can put it all together.

Days = 1000 / ((1000 x 3)/ 17,055)/14)
Days = 1000 / (300 / 17,055)/14)
Days = 1000 / (.0176 / 14)
Days = 1000 / .00013
795,900 Days

Then subtract the number of days since the pig event was introduced to account for time elapsed.
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795,900 - 1,770 = only 794,130 days left!

Editors Note: A more complete equation might incorporate a factor which accounts for how many pigs are butchered or removed off tiles each season, which in turn would be affected by active player count. The take away from that would be that the less people playing the faster pig death approaches.

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May 26, 4195. The Day When Salem will be destroyed by pigs. Too long not to worry about my student debt, but too short to get in a full game of Monopoly.

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In order for you to make the most informed decisions on when to start your next Blistersteel run we at Salem for Nerds have made this handy count down clock, so you always know how much time you have before the pigs destroy the universe.
https://www.tickcounter.com/clone/countdown/2343449
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Re: Salem for Nerds

Postby Ronch » Sat Dec 19, 2020 4:31 pm

Nye_Billson wrote:Also if you need some help let me know where your base is at and I'll send someone over. Feeling some of that fiery human spirit myself.

I do not have a base any longer, Goodman came by disguised as a pauper selling apples, and I made the mistake of allowing him inside just one of my gates.
I live in an unclaimed hovel just south of the alien crash site now.
Yeah, he extorted me of my bank account too...

EDIT:
But, you can still send someone by my new location if you want, I could really use some coddling attention.
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