Salem Movie Reviews: The Last Survivors

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Salem Movie Reviews: The Last Survivors

Postby pistolshrimp » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:09 am

Here;s a thread where I will post reviews on movies that seem related to Salem in some way in case you're looking for something to do while waiting off your Crime!, Full & Fed Up, or if the server is down. What makes these reviews different from the ones say on IMDB is that they will be written through the lens of Salem.

Others are encouraged to write a review, add to a existing one, or suggest a movie to be reviewed.

3/26: Solomon Kane (2009)

Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0970452/
Tags: Puritan, Witchcraft, New World, Disease

Solomon Kane is a movie about a man who has left too many and after narrowly escaping his first Trial by Combat he embarks on a path of peace. Life has other plans for Kane tho and while exploring too close to Providence he is attacked and KOed. A kindly family of pilgrims destined for the New World find him and help him get his blood back up. Soon after this family is dealt a couple of Killing Blows by raiders which prompts Kane to say ***** it and just level up that Faith & Wisdom and buy that damn Revenge skill and start raining justice on the criminals around him, which, of course, is everyone.

Combat: Pretty standard fair for your average dock club. Mostly thrusts and a cleave or two, and while it was no Ong Bak it was still entertaining enough to hold my attention. His gear was likely all Piercing Power and Common Combat Defense. One starts to suspect half-way through the movie that as a nub Solomon Kane slotted a WSS into a Pilgrim's Hat as he rarely takes it off. Kane obviously has some serious Blood as the second half of the movie revolves almost entirely around him getting punched, stabbed, crucified etc.

Crafting: None. Early on we see someone boiling some Marrow Dumplings but other than that everything in this world already existed and always will.

Crime!: Arson, Battery, Murder, Witchcraft that near the end of the movie fails so hard the scents will point to her ancestors. We see Solomon Kane picking up a few dropped items, but refuses to L3WT the bodies as that would leave scents and he doesn't seem to have an alt. At one point Kane tosses a full Pilgrims Purse on the table. The viewer is not told whether this was stolen or if he had been collecting Indian Feathers off-screen the whole time.

Gluttony: There is a scene where a despondent Kane drinks what I assume to be one of the teas, but his phlegm must no be very high since he doesn't handle it too well.

Base Design: *****. Close those ***** gates.

Would Recommend?: Yes. Just don't take it too seriously. In fact the more you think about this movie the more stupid it seems.

The Breakdown:
Boobs: 0
Chains of Good Cheer: 1
Cool Capes: 2
Characters from Game of Thrones: 2 (The Hound, The Mountain (s02))
Pete Postlethwaite: YES!
Cringe Worthy Animation Scenes: Enough
Clichés: Too Many
IMDB Rating: 6.1
Miles of Hair Donated to Locks of Love by the Actors of this Movie: 52
Run-Time: 104 Minutes
Battery Scents left: 400
Crows: 1 Billion (crows are on everything, the witch explodes into crows, heck even the family is named Crowthorn! lol)

Image 2.75 out 5 Popcorns

Icons:
ImageImageImageImage
Walking Staff, Hand Axe, Solomon Kane's Cape, Crossbow

3/27: A Field in England (2013)
Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2375574/
Tags: Puritan, Alchemy, Disease

A Field in England is a movie which features couple different types of Salem players. There is the jaded Mid-Gamer who thinks just because he played H&H that makes him good at Salem, the Carebear who spends all his time crafting and studying, and the Heffernan-type player, who, God Bless his heart, really does try. These three have recently lost at the dock club and are rounded up by the Lackey type player who may or may not be on some sort of Vision Quest. The Lackey boils mushrooms for the three to glutton, but cleverly slips in a few Morels, knowing well the Bug with Boil'd Morels not losing their poisoning. Withholding the Berrymash Laxative he tricks the three into finding our End-Gamer, who, bored of waiting for the Alchemy Re-Work, has orchestrated this whole thing. He promptly sets them to digging his base colesie style. Eventually everyone grows bored of the game and start killing each other.

Combat: Not much going on here, mostly just shooting each other with pistols and rifles. Nobody seems to have Cain & Abel unlocked so everyone is always getting KO'd and then popping back up later. This makes sense in Salem, in this movie, tho, it is intentionally confusing. A couple of the players have swords, but don't make use of them. I'm assuming either they aren't any good at it (sad) or haven't unlocked the skill yet (even sadder).

Crafting: We see one of our characters boiling mushrooms and guns actually need to be reloaded. There is a lot of digging, and after the Carebear, who confesses to crafting dollies in his spare time, coughs up some Runestone Shards which our End-Gamer collect and retreats to his Leanto to study them. This is a dynamic world, although a grim one - almost reminds me of Salem.

Crime!: A couple of corpses and a Leanto get L3WTed. Our main character, the Carebear, ends up stealing some stuff but then gets scared and leaves all the items on the ground hoping the scents won't point to him. He really does try you know. He does, however keep the bad-ass cape and hat tho.

Gluttony: There is a lot of gluttoning of Mushrooms in this movie, all poisonous. It is not recommend for newbs watch this movie as it may be a bad influence.

Base Design: Hard to say, the base seems to be just a Leanto and a simple table which leads me to believe it is just a temp place the End-Gamer set up to play out his trick.

Would Recommend?: No. If you are into weird uncomfortable movies you'll probably find yourself watching and even appreciating this movie at some point. I personally can get into that from time to time and this movie has some truly awesome and memorable scenes, but it's not necessarily an enjoyable movie.

Breakdown:
Color: None
Fields in England: 1
Cool Capes: 1
Rouge Planets: 1
Actors: 6
IMDB Rating: 6.2
Times When You Know Whats Going on: 0
Times When You Think You Know What's Going on But Then Realize You Don't: 3 or 4
Genuine LOLs: 7 or 8
Truly Awesome Artistic Scenes: Quite a few really.
Mushrooms Foraged: 75+
Run-Time: 90 Minutes
Boobs: -1000

Image4 out 5 Popcorns

Icons:
ImageImageImageImage
Scrying Mirror, Psychotropic Mushrooms, Cutler's Shirt, Moonshine Jug

3/30: Children of Men (2006) - A Review by Tammer
Tammer wrote:Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206634/
Tags: Witchcraft, Disease, Server Wipe

An unfixed bug prevents players from making new pilgrims and chaos erupts when JC announces a server wipe. Our Heros have a solution but must journey to JC's yacht because they have been banned from posting on the forums. Unfortunately, Bad Guys have infiltrated their group and kill one of Our Heros. The Bad Guys try to trap Our Heros with some locked cupboards, but they escape to a friendly hermit's base, a lone player still growing and baking while the world burns. The hermit sacrifices himself and gives directions to Our Heros to meet a shady guy at an abandoned base. The shady guy agrees to party Our Heros to get them into a newb base by the ocean. The Bad Guys attack and Our Heros narrowly escape once again to make it to JC's yacht. However, one of Our Heros has been witched and dies from a bleed because he has no tourniquet.

Combat: Mostly kills from treachery, standard fare for Salem. The battle for the newb base at the end reveals their poor base design.

Crafting: None. Tear up your clothes and make a damn tourniquet!

Crime!: Arson, Battery, Murder, Witchcraft. Our Heros have apparently left some scents before the movie starts since the Bad Guys have no trouble tracking them.

Gluttony: There is a scene with some end gamer and his Feasting Table, but mostly the action is on the run with no time for leveling up.

Base Design: Hermit's base is nice, compact with lots of pot. The newb base is a disaster, with decaying buildings and walls in random places, where nobody can be trusted.

Would Recommend?: Yes.

3/31: Black Death (2010) - As suggested by Angus
Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1181791/
Tags: Disease, Witchcraft, Rats

Sky_Cardis has been grounded by his Mom and cannot play Salem for a whole week. This is the Salem the movie Black Death imagines. Providence is littered with dead alts just as the Forums are littered with Halp! posts - "I've taken five of everything and I'm still diseased!” Chaos reigns. A rumor is spread, probably by Darwoth for LOLs, that a single town knows the secret to using witchcraft to cure Land Legs, and a party of fighters sets out deep into the darkness to find out the truth. And possibly kills everyone. But all is not what it seems - this town knows the party is up to no good and gives them trespassing permissions in order to get the party to drop their guard. Subdued the party is given the option to join the town or die. In the end it is revealed God hates everyone equally, not just witches, and everyone dies most savagely.

Combat: Surprisingly varied. Cleaves, bashes, and pierces. Our main characters clearly know what they are doing, which is, of course, brutally killing everyone they come across.

Crafting: This is a world of crosses hewn from solid stone boulders left in the middle of no-where wood, people don't make things here - God zaps them into being. With that said we do get a very brief sneak peak into Alchemy where a suspect witch makes an oyster sauce poultice.

Crime!: Virtually none. Our main character, a nub who happens to know the coordinates to the darkness town steals some onions from his own townmates. However since he has permissions this doesn't even leaves scents.

Gluttony: We watch in horror as our party gluttons a large session composed entirely of Bread. I don't think a single bile is gained.

Bases: Beautiful. Truly. A Plank Wall around well maintained Pilgrim Hovels and Farmer's Houses stocked with mid-level loot. There is even a church, but like most people who build churches in Salem, the town really doesn't know what to do with it, storage maybe?

Would Recommend?: Yes. Spoiler Alert: The twist at the end is revealed that the entire movie is just a prequel to Dragon Heart so that;s a little annoying, but otherwise a worthwhile watch that will having you cringing the whole time.

Breakdown:
Mordors simply walked into: 0
Figurative Mordors simply walked into: 1 (does not end well)
Boobs: Some cleavage. I guess cumulatively .45 of 1 boob.
Characters from Game of Thrones: 2 (Eddard Stark, Melisandre) Ugh how much longer must I wait!
IMDB Rating: 6.4
Gregorian Chanting in Background: > 20 Minutes
Runtime: 102 Minutes
Heads Lopped Off: 1
Arms and Legs Ripped From Bodies: 4
Inches of Belly Cut by Knives Plunged in and Dragged Slowly Across: > 8

Brutal Deaths: All of them.

Image 3.25 of 5 Popcorns

Icons:
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Wooden Cross Necklace, Tiny Black Dagger, Melisandre's Langiva's Dress

4/1: Valhalla Rising (2009) - A Review by TotalyMeow
TotalyMeow wrote:Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0862467/

Tags: Crime!, Raiding, Titans, Darkness

This movie begins with a 1v1 between a titan and another combat alt. Though the titan wins, he seems to be trapped on a town claim behind a makeshift fence and so cannot escape. The town members are keeping the titan trapped for their own amusement. However, he soon escapes with the help of a newbie town member who turns out to be his teleporter alt.

With his alt on autofollow, he walks to a more populated area where he meets a band of raiders who have been pillaging leantos and small claims and persecuting newbies. He speaks in area chat using only his alt, but they know he is a titan and are happy to put up with the eccentricity. They recruit him.

With their new titan and his alt in tow, they decide to strike out for juicier targets in the darkness. After a long and arduous journey during which they experience severe darkness drain, they reach the influence of a church and know their prey is near. However, after one too many trespasses, one of their number takes a crit from a brazier and KOs and the party realizes they've bitten off more than they can chew.

Their leader insists they attempt the raid anyway. The other party members object. Classic backstabbing and betrayal ensue and the party breaks up. The leader attacks the town anyway, KOs to brazier fire, and dies to a drowning bug.

Unable to regen due to their Crime! debuff, the rest of the party KO one by one, some to darkness drain, some to bleed effects. Finally, the Titan is caught in a 9 v 1 with the local town and murdered. The alt manages to teleport home.

Combat: Not as much as you might expect. A few swords, a bit of cleaving. The stun effect of a good club is ably demonstrated by the darkness town.

Crafting: Just before he escapes captivity, the titan is holding a piece of flint. Seconds later, he is holding an axe. He also puts down a build sign and begins loading stones into it at one point.

Gluttony: None at all. In fact, the raiders are so ill-prepared, they don't even bring enough regen food along.

Base Design: What we do see is pretty bad, no more than a few makeshift fences. Maybe the darkness town has a good design, but we never get to see it.

Witchcraft: It is implied that the titan might be suffering from a curse. Or maybe he just took one too many Satan Salts.

Would Recommend?: Yes, especially if you pretend they immediately went to whine on the forums when it was over.

Breakdown:
IMDB Rating: 6.0
Bond Villians: 1
Literal stabs in the back: 1
Figurative stabs in the back: At least 2
Hideous disembowelments: 1
Boobs: ~4
Angry PMs to the devs demanding character restores: At least 3.
Inexplicable bear noises: >20
Raiders KOed or dead: ~6
Runtime: 92 minutes

4/02: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/
Tags: Witchcraft, Bug Abuse

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie about Salem if Jorb and Loftar had introduced Witchcraft back with their new world reboot. Needless to say everything is unbalanced as *****. Two intrepid Vets have taken it upon themselves to kill every last witch in an effort to drive the remaining population from the game entirely and thus force the devs to do something (aka give the game to JohnCarver et al.) Their cause is as misguided as it is admirable. Our vets stumble around until they find an appropriate bug to abuse, which they use to nuke all the witches. The movie ends showing our veterans walking in the wasteland of Salem after everyone has quit.

Another entirely appropriate Salem Review for this movie would be, "This movie is what follows directly after taking Berrymash Laxative."

Combat: I choose to watch the un-rated cut of this movie, which just means it was a bit longer and every couple of minutes my computer sprayed me in the face with a fine mist of blood from my microphone jack. While the combat is mostly simple shooting, the biles in this movie are a complex conundrum; on one hand they have such low blood that every kill is a one hit yet they are so filled with blood the internal pressure is so great that a scratch is enough to cause a person to explode.

Crafting: Quite literally none. The closest we come is an implication that a certain eyeball soup was cooked by a witch, but mostly this is a Salem where even bullets respawn right into the same gun they came from. I suppose there is a very short scene where a witch is trying to grind a kid to gain weight so she can get more meat shards off him but this scene is so stupid that I am hesitant to mention it.

Gluttony: Plenty actually, it just never ends well for anyone involved. Witches, about to glutton under the Blood Moon have all their heads blown off. A guy explodes after gluttoning too many Grubs and some kid gets diabetes from being forced to glutton candy. I gluttoned all my Halloween Candy before I realized it was a regen food so I think I could relate.

Base Design: Every base consists of either a Mine or a Pilgrims Hovel built in the middle of the woods. No one claims anything and thus everything is in a perpetual state of decay. I guess Providence looks alright tho.

Witchcraft: The witches in this movie suck so hard that I am sure the countryside is littered with their scents. I can't imagine anyone would want to be a witch after watching this so I vote that the good pilgrims of Salem get together and sponsor periodic screenings of this movie in the Providence Church.

Would Recommend?: No. NO. I will confess, I intended to watch Last of the Mohicans next, but after coming across the wiki page for this movie I changed plans. The article for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is longer than the article for Microbiology and filled with praises and excuses why it sucked so hard (bad weather in New England apparently). What sealed the deal was discovering that diabetes is used as a plot device. Diabetes. I had to watch it. And it is in this sense that I was not disappointed - it was just as stupid as I thought it would be. If not more. And I get that it was supposed to be over the top, so I'm not saying Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a bad movie, all I am saying is that if you condensed the entire I'M Gay/BBQ Thread into a single, long run on sentence, removed the letter e's, and turned it into an interpretative dance to be performed by a quadriplegic theater group it would still be a more cohesive and relevant piece of work than this horse ****.

Breakdown:
Boobs: 1 Almost Boobs
Deus ex Machina: 2 (At least)
Cumulative ***** Given From All Actors Combines: 2 (At most)
Ds: 3
IMDB Rating: 6.1
Runtime: 98 minutes
Minutes You Will Waste if You Watch This: 98

Image1 out 5 Popcorns.

Icons:
ImageImageImage
Turkey BasterOld Timey Diabetes Needle Blood Moon Commemorative Plate, Abramelin's Grimoire


1/23/16 The Last Survivors (2014) - a review by TotalyMeow
TotalyMeow wrote:Image
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2558318/
Tags: Raiding & Combat, Inheritance, Expeditions

The Last Survivors takes place on a future Expedition server where one faction has taken over most of the server and patrols their chosen area so regularly that the few remaining towns and hermits spend all their time hiding in mines and houses and are afraid to leave any sign of their presence. Kendal was once a high level player who died and is now building her character back up from scratch. She and her companion Dean have plans to leave and try to find a safe haven after she has built her character back up, though the going is slow with constant dodging of raider patrols and no farming. Combat and murder abound, including an epic final battle which seems to be the end of the server.

Inheritance: The main characters are frequently seen paying respects at the grave of her ancestor. Though we see no studying of skills and only a little Gluttony, she is clearly getting stronger throughout the movie.

Combat: A great deal of ranged combat, for the most part. We do see one use of a tiny pocketwatch. The final battle includes a saber fight and the strategic use of uppercuts. On several occasions we see characters get stunned, and once we see Kendal use Regain Composure. During an unexpected raid on Kendal and Dean's claim by a small band of roving survivors, Kendal is KOed and nearly murdered, but the animation is interrupted by a well-placed rifle shot by Dean. Overall, this movie is mostly about combat when it's not about raiding.

Raiding: Lots of scavenging of abandoned claims and towns; there is once scene in which raiders descend on the last remaining town in the area and murder almost everyone left there. We also see some looting of KOed or dead characters. At one point, Kendal uses Arson on an off-claim building belonging to the raiders so she can use the new Expedition's stealth mechanics to loot a few items while they are distracted. She also uses Arson on her own claim just before abandoning it for good.

Crafting: Little to none, though at one point Dean does admit to having been the one who constructed the Townhouse on their claim.

Gluttony: We see a small gluttony session by Kendal and Dean that includes orchard fruits. After their claim is raided, we see one of the raiders Gluttonying what is left of their food just before Kendal surprises him and dices him into small pieces with a Saber she recovered from the recently raided town.

It becomes clear near the beginning of the movie that Dean completely screwed up his humors when he was a newbie and now suffers from both a severe lack of Phlegm and an overabundance of Black Bile, and under such hostile conditions is finding it almost impossible to balance himself back out again.

Base Design: The raider town clearly has a walled perimeter and good defenses. Other than that, we don't see much left in the way of defense. Kendal's claim has a once nice Townhouse and Barn, sadly decayed almost to 0. A nearby hermit named Alby seems to have little more than a Farmer's House. The last town seemed in a similar situation, with just a house and a couple structures, mostly decayed.

Would Recommend: Definitely if you like post-apocalyptic and/or sword fights.

Breakdown:

Boobs: 0

Mutants, vampires, and aliens from galaxies far, far away: Quite a few, actually.

Disclaimers: 1 (Any mention of new stealth mechanics in the next Expedition server is pure speculation and not necessarily going to happen).

People diced up by swords: 3

People killed by other means: At least 16

IMDB Rating: 5.2

Runtime: 95 minutes.

Image4 out 5 Popcorns
Last edited by pistolshrimp on Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:54 am, edited 7 times in total.
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby Nikixos » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:13 am

This is a great idea bro! I'll check this thread often
Last edited by Nikixos on Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby Dallane » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:17 am

As someone who grew up reading Soloman Kane I didn't really like the movie. It was enjoyable for a action flick but as a fan I found it lacking.

As a huge cinefile I would love to collaborate on this.
Please click this link for a better salem forum experience

TotalyMeow wrote: Claeyt's perspective of Salem and what it's about is very different from the devs and in many cases is completely the opposite of what we believe.
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby TotalyMeow » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:20 am

pistolshrimp wrote:One starts to suspect half-way through the movie that as a nub Solomon Kane slotted a WSS into a Pilgrim's Hat as he rarely takes it off.


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby pistolshrimp » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:24 am

Dallane wrote:As a huge cinefile I would love to collaborate on this.

Would love to have your help.

Dallane wrote:As someone who grew up reading Soloman Kane I didn't really like the movie. It was enjoyable for a action flick but as a fan I found it lacking.

Yeah as an action movie it's okay. As Soloman Kane it's pretty rough.
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby Rubberduckbandit » Fri Mar 27, 2015 4:33 am

Wow i would love to read more of these :lol:
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby pistolshrimp » Fri Mar 27, 2015 7:43 am

Updated with A Field in England. Probably won't have time for another until next Tuesday.

Rubberduckbandit wrote:Wow i would love to read more of these :lol:


Any Salem type movies you would like to see reviewed?
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews: A Field In England

Postby hitori » Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:25 am

I was laughing so hard
Brilliant reviews!

pistolshrimp wrote:Any Salem type movies you would like to see reviewed?


How about first season of Salem (the series)?
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews: A Field In England

Postby alprice » Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:52 am

I enjoyed the review and look forward to the next one.
Embie is my name :P
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Re: Salem Movie Reviews

Postby Dallane » Fri Mar 27, 2015 1:02 pm

pistolshrimp wrote:Updated with A Field in England. Probably won't have time for another until next Tuesday.

Rubberduckbandit wrote:Wow i would love to read more of these :lol:


Any Salem type movies you would like to see reviewed?


I really enjoyed A Field in England.

Should review The Last of the Mohicans. It's by far one of my favorite colonial movies.
Please click this link for a better salem forum experience

TotalyMeow wrote: Claeyt's perspective of Salem and what it's about is very different from the devs and in many cases is completely the opposite of what we believe.
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