how to win salem

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how to win salem

Postby Darwoth » Mon May 14, 2018 5:08 am

1> you must play solo.

2> you must dominate entire servers against every faction in the game for several years across numerous servers and mechanics.

3> you must be the ultimate forum warrior.

4> you must call a corrupt developer on their ***** for a solid four years in private while they lie through their teeth about it.

5> once they make up so many lies they cant remember them and you are tired of being told your full of **** you expose the corruption getting their panties in a wad.

6> have said developer(s) massively cheat by spawning **** for themselves and constantly changing the mechanics to suit them for the second time in as many expeditions so that a member of their original and highly incompetent plymouth group can "win" only to derail said win because they just suck at their own game. literally nobody played on plymouth once jamestown and roanoke released but them. it was not until providence under the leadership of paymaster paul who was also driven off by marps ***** that the tribe became a competent pvp group.

7> wait a few weeks for said developer to throw a temper tantrum in public even making his own thread trying to get under your skin by ***** with your vendors (again) doing all the things he directly denied having the ability to do thus once again proving everything you have been saying was correct and that he is a lieing turd.

8> laugh while bouncing your balls off of his face for a few pages because you really just dont give a **** and stopped playing other than forced maintenance eons ago.

9> log on to feed the few animals you have left and notice you are banned on all of your accounts then check server status to make sure it is not crashed and notice that the mystic number of supreme greatness is once again present which reminds you of a few accounts that had not been used in years that were still in the town.

10> trash 50ish million worth of **** (seriously at least that much by now. back in the day when on better terms jc/chief would occasionally pop in to chat and laugh how i had about 50% of the store items on the server. that was a long time ago and since i usually target other raiders that always have a massive amount themselves that ratio would have been much higher. for example those green legacy masks from way back i had over 200 of. thats why you rarely saw them anymore, had something like 38 of the 50 dollar store instruments alone, about 5k steel, 30 - 35 gold items, 800ish distillers i never used once since i dont bot, 8 dressers completely filled with looted combat sets etc. all raided/looted.) with dozens of server unique rares because said developer is a moron and could not even get that cheeseball attempt right thus keeping any of it from his group of discord slurplords and not allowing him/them the satisfaction :lol: :lol:

11> quit. uninstall.

12> go back to playing online chess after a quick stop by the forums to talk ****.

so as usual, i won the game again.



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after taking the liberty of quietly obliterating any/everything of value i took it upon myself to do everyone one more favor and make one final forum prediction (which, as you all know by now pretty much always come true) before i abandon you clownshoes to talking to yourselves about how much i suck like the other threads. as such i set up my idols of idolatry, raised my palms to the sky, rolled my eyes into the back of my head, spoke in tongues and channelled my otherworldly intuition and randomly tossed a few "bundles of sticks" (aka "****", right marp?) onto the embers of my still cozily smoldering town and then as the lovely scent of smoldering juniper branches filled the air around me i peered into the spiraling wisps of smoke to scry the future with regard to salem and its potential for success for those 20 or so of you still playing. as you can see by looking at the sticks on the ground. it looks quite bleak indeed.



for the sake of nostalgia and my personal amusement i chose to use the exact same log filled with turkey **** that was stuck in marps (tylan) original town plot when he was an irrelevant carebear that was never in the pvp groups or out tracking and headhunting targets with the likes of myself, binks, honeybadger, mikus or pmp and added my thoughts to the ones delivered by pmp at the time of his exit. it even has the exact same four year old turkey turds that pmp put in it! (old tribe joke for when they would have a lieing douche they kicked out) after marp backstabbed all of them, lied about it for days. and caused 15+ of the better and more interesting players to quit the game the same week he got dev powers years ago, (same time he killed several big name russian players and one of my characters on a dev created character with over 3x its stats, which i then killed a few weeks later using the at the time new t1 witch mechanics. then summoning nerfed to los only )


anyhow thats all folks. feel free to waste a few days of your lives "raiding" whatever ***** "bases" i have left standing and pat yourselves on the back pretending like you did something the way you did for months on end when you got your characters killed 22 times to 0 attacking unprotected borderstones :lol: . they were emptied of valuables and consolidated to the primary one quite some time ago in anticipation of exactly this sort of behavior after the "developers" failed to cheat their way to victory again a second time and get brona/cottonmather a statue when i happily stepped aside for old (legit) rivals instead of prolonging it so they could spawn more **** for themselves to make another (fourth? fifth?) come back. same guy that got pwnt by methuzelah 1v1 and lost his golden halberd (sorry meth, was running around town throughout the day with the last of the five i had kept looking for you, but no deal so eventually just tossed it in the water)


for that matter feel free to delete my two statues as well if you need something else to masturbate over marp. i wont be back and i have less than zero interest in being associated with this ***** at this stage of its devolvement. have wanted to uninstall for quite some time as it stopped being a pvp game pretty much the day the dev teams switched and has just gotten steadily worse with every patch but the thought of allowing retards to think they ran me off the server was simply unacceptable so i kept the bells paid and turkeys fed. now thankfully i dont need to do that nonsense anymore and can do something more productive like pick a booger out of my nose instead.


i picked the game up at launch and have played solo this entire time with virtually no help for 85% of it other than from a handful of scouts and helpers like reviresco and quiressa later on aside from the first few months of providence when i was allied with pmp's group. the remainder of the time on every server including this one it has been me alone vs entire throngs of you derps and you could never do **** until you sucked up to a corrupt developer who used to port into my town when i was offline and throw random sheds of my **** on the ground everytime he got his panties in a wad, used to **** claim my towns, siege them, turn the animal flag off in town when he saw one of my raiders in the stocks helping kill several of them, ported enemy factions around the map to save them hours of travel time, restored numerous characters of enemy factions, basically begged you retards to attack me for years at his weekend events before they stopped being held due to the embarassment of ten people showing up + gave tens of millions in upgrades for free.

even then with your 20 vs me numbers, rampant bot useage, custom cheat clients and so on you still couldnt do jack **** against me. then he ***** with the vendors and makes a total clown of himself so he bans me. and even now when i am banned you still get nothing :lol: :lol: :lol: .

i could not have written a better way to close out the game if i had tried, it is pretty damn great.

anyhow was a fun run, onto something else now. the handful of you left that are worth a nod know who you are. to the newbs sorry you never got to play the real game. this one aint it. i suggest trying out haven, i heard it has improved a good deal and while they are also a community full of retards at least its not slobbering retards, likewise jorbtard at least kept the ***** to a minimum when i played that game and when they ran salem. the rest of you can go chew some gravel until your eyes bleed or something, you are probably to retarded to realize it is not gum anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTB46FJOF5w
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Re: how to win salem

Postby Paradoxyc » Mon May 14, 2018 5:39 am

One of the hardest goodbyes I've had to say here. Sorry to see you go.

Best of luck
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Re: how to win salem

Postby NeiroShop » Mon May 14, 2018 5:44 am

I didnt think this is how you would end up.
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Re: how to win salem

Postby Qiresea » Mon May 14, 2018 5:52 am

this is my last post in this hellhole. those of you who have at least one brain cell will quit the game as well. the rest of you deserve each other. happy drooling.

https://i.imgur.com/9m0ZkwO.gifv
Darwoth wrote:It really is not fair that every time you try to jab at me you make yourself look more retarded than any retort i could come up with.

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Γιά την Κυρία των τριών βασιλείων: της γης, του ουρανού και της θάλασσας.
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Re: how to win salem

Postby Darwoth » Mon May 14, 2018 6:16 am




wtf, the snake king needed that months ago!

and all of you who conduct yourselves with dignity instead of disgrace whether we got along or not or you thought i was a ******** or not (prob did if you never knew me in game, see rule 3 for how to win salem) have a good one.

http://youtu.be/b0LMzVZHTCw?t=42
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Re: how to win salem

Postby goblin_babe » Mon May 14, 2018 6:24 am

Why do we always feel like we need to try
Why do we believe that we need to be somebody else
To feel alive
Why do we make
Why do we keep making the same mistakes
And believing that it won't make a difference if we try
To break away

I know, I know what you must be thinking
That we are powerless to change things
But don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem
I won't throw my hands up to surrender
'Cause salem is stronger than fire
So don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem

Time
Don't you think it's just a waste of time
When we're always fighting over material trivial things
In this life
Yeah

I don't understand why we don't get it right
Why do we keep going round and round
At the end of the day, we've only got ourselves to blame

I know, I know what you must be thinking
That we are powerless to change things
But don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem
I won't throw my hands up to surrender
'Cause salem is stronger than fire
So don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem

(We got salem)
(We got salem) We got salem, we got salem
(We got salem) We got salem

I know, I know what you must be thinking
That we are powerless to change things
But don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem
I won't throw my hands up to surrender
'Cause salem is stronger than fire
So don't, don't give up
'Cause we got salem, 'cause we got salem.

written with the help of jessica mauboy. :p
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Re: how to win salem

Postby Hose » Mon May 14, 2018 6:36 am

Cya bud, sad to see you go o7
My dog walks me to the park and doggy styles me, if you find that weird you're an arrogant gender-assuming bloodthirsty gun-loving cisgender bestial sexist incestuous white-previlege misogynistic biased raped privileged Nazi slave owner terrorist lesbian.
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Re: how to win salem

Postby ZoddAlmighty » Mon May 14, 2018 6:41 am

So, this is how it feels when a legend retires?
I feel saddened that it was on these terms considering how many years youve wasted in the game.
You deserve better goodbye.
But, it only proves point i had all along. The smaller the pecker, more misuse of power occures.
I wish you the best of luck in online endevours!
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Re: how to win salem

Postby Reviresco » Mon May 14, 2018 6:51 am

Hope to play with you again someday, in a game with fewer background issues.
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Re: how to win salem

Postby ZoddAlmighty » Mon May 14, 2018 6:54 am

Reviresco wrote:Hope to play with you again someday, in a game with fewer background issues.

Revi <3
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