I awoke this fine morning, and as has been my custom of late, filled my flask with warm green tea and proceeded to take in the scope of the day's projects. Immediately I noticed a most calamitous affair. One of the Estate's outer gates was left open wider than Clamy Jim's button-less breeches. It was indeed quite fortunate the criminal had alerted us to a most critical flaw in the ongoing construction of defenses here at our beloved Lake Berrymash Estate. More alarming, evidence of thievery was apparent, items left strewn about in a most haphazardly fashion.
After spending a few moments taking stock of missing items, I was most displeased to realize this dastardly villain, in an utterly deliberate and malign manner, had purloined a set of my wife's most treasured garments. I knew there was little time to waste if we were to have any chance of bringing this criminal to justice, and thus, further illicit a becalming mood upon Mrs. Caudlroncrack. I knew if justice were not served I would be disallowed from pursuing the soporific whims I covet.
It did not take long for me to track the thief, he seemed to take no great interest in the matter of subtlety, and I found myself face to face with what was probably the very larcenist I sought. Strangely, the fellow seemed to be in some sort of curious mental state, merely staring at me dumbfounded as I inquired as to the location of the missing goods. Not getting a reply, and furthermore, seeing that the fellow was in possession of a backpack that invariably contained the very garments I sought, I felt there was no other action to be taken but to give the man a good throttling.
Being a citizen of good faith and upstanding nature, it was not my place to search this man out right. To this end I continued my search, hoping to locate the presence of the missing articles, and ensure that a nasty blight had not taken root near our hallowed home. Surprised I was to find that this mans insolence knew no bounds! His homestead was nothing more than a filthy pile of sticks I could daresay would serve as much more than a lean-to. Upon closer inspection I did indeed learn that this intruder had pilfered the goods in question. Taking special care to observe and respect the laws instituted by His Majesty, I took no small amount of joy in dismantling this pathetic abode.
It was then, after returning to our estate, that I took it upon myself to call forth this vile pilferer, to answer for his crimes against my fine wife's boudoir. It was with heavy conscience that I was forced to claim the life of this downtrodden soul, a wretched man who had obviously succumbed to a horrible mental affliction.
Though her garments were not in fact retrieved, and we shall also lament a coin purse that has since been noticed missing, Mrs. Cauldroncrack was most thrilled with the results of the expedition.
I am very thankful that laws are in place to protect us against such abuses of personal freedoms.
Respectfully,
Doctor Henry Cauldroncrack
Disclaimer: The names and locations of this document have been altered to protect the innocent. Any likenesses to the people, living or deceased, or to existing parcels of land past or present, in His Majesty's New World are completely unintentional.
